How to drive like the AntiChrist

Bill noticed something about Austin Drivers. It takes me anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes to get from far north Austin (between Cedar Park and Round Rock) to my work at 290 and I-35. I have had a fair bit of time to observe traffic in Austin.

It comes down to this:

“Austin drivers (besides David, the king and expert of all drivers)” = “utter and complete lack of regard for other human beings and all that is pure and unsoiled by blatent stupidity”

Thus, I give you The Three Driving Atrocities Against Civilization, each of which I personally witness at least once per day, prompting me to bang my fists on the steering wheel and scream incomprehensible curse words:

1. Not sigaling when changing lanes or “I’m the only person on the road. Besides, if some inconsiderate person rear ends me, it’s his fault.”

   Bonus points if person decides to signal only after half their car is already in your path, slams on brakes after changing lanes, or attempts to cross 5 lanes in 20 yards to exit the freeway (instead of planning ahead, like any person not recently escaped from the home for the criminally insane… especially incomprehensible due to the 17 miles this exit had been advertised prior).

2. Speeding up when I signal a lane change (i.e. “The Commute as Competition”) or “Oh look… that guy up there thinks he’s going to get in my lane! My rush is more important than his. I can’t risk getting to my destination .000000000001 second later. I need to accelerate from 60MPH to Mach 7 before he moves over. I’LL SHOW HIM!!!”
3. Refusing to go when the light turns green or “zzzzzzzz” or “I learned in pre-school that green means go… the light is green… but the person next to me hasn’t gone yet. They must have changed the rules… I better wait until he goes.”

   The breaking of this rule, in particular, would be the main reason I am in favor of capital punishment…

   2 second Metric: it should take you no more than 2 seconds per car waiting in front of you to cross the middle of the intersection.

   Simple Physics dictates that at the VERY LEAST, if every person was paying attention, then every car should begin moving forward the very INSTANT the light turns green (minus the total time it takes for the light to travel from the lamp to the drivers’ eyes minus the total time it takes for the drivers’ brains to signal to their feet to press on the gas.”

   For example, if there are 2 cars ahead of you at a stoplight, it should take no more than a little over 4 seconds after the light turns green for you to be halfway through the intersection. If this time limit expires, you may begin honking and launching rocket propelled grenades at the cell-phone-yammering morons in the pristine, never-seen-anything-but-asphalt, 6-wheeled,”I-have-issues-with-the-size-of-my-‘anatomy'” dispite-all-the-maneuvering-will-NEVER-fit-in-parking-spot- clearly-marked-for-COMPACT-CAR, so-please-don’t-take-up-5-spots, pickup truck.

While I’m at it, another offense which should carry a minimum penalty of a life sentence in prison:

• Proving that one has a sociopathic streak by not pulling forward after taking money from the ATM but instead insisting on reorganizing the wallet, balancing the checkbook, and changing the diapers of the screaming offspring munching on McDonald’s French Fries among the feral dogs in the back seat rather than pulling forward a little bit so the patient gentleman in the Corolla behind you may begin his transaction and get home a little sooner after the long day of making the world a better place just so that Inconsiderate Drivers can screw it up all over again.

Idiots. Every last one of ’em.